my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
