You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
