I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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