If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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