Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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