And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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