Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
