I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
