I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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