Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize