You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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