Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize