I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
