i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my shit smells like andre
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
