1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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