Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
