No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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