suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize