Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
