DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize