theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
