Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize