she woke up with a sticky ear
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
