and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
