My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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