He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
