I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
