She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize