went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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