Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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