I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
