im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
