Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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