I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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