She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
