accomplished twins. life is a go
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
