we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
