and i looked up. we had an audience...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
