Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
