Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
