Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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