sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
