Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
