Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Randomize
