just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
third nipple confirmed
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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