why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
