I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
