Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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