and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
