He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
