Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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