well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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