new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
