I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
