the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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