i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
